Fezaurus #12

Allah'ın sopası yok - God doesn't have a stick.
A beautiful expression used when someone does you wrong and then goes an injures themselves in some way. For example, when someone fucks you over and then ends up in hospital with a sprained ankle (to pick an example entirely at random). The underlying message is that they've injured themselves because God doesn't have a fucking great stick to beat them with to bring judicial equilibrium back to the universe. We might call it 'Karma'.

Fezaurus #11

Karpuzun hamı. Topalın amı - A ripe watermelon. A lame girl's twat.

Both extremely sweet apparently. The watermelon is fairly self-explanatory. The girl with a limp? Due to the fact she don't get out much, it is assumed she would be equipped with, what Mike Reid might describe as, a mouse's ear 'ole in her downstairs department.

BTW... good to be back :)

Fezaurus #10

Eceli gelen köpek cami duvarına işermiş - The dying dog pisses on the wall of the mosque.

This takes me back to my New Year's Eve. We went to a lovely little village near Çeşme called Alaçatı. Every year, the town puts on a street party to welcome in the new year. This was my first visit and I'll give it a miss next year. It was absolutely heaving.

Unfortunately, in Turkey, when there's a congregation of people at an event that asks no entrance fee, it attracts an inordinate number of pikeys. Pikeys + crowd + alcohol = trouble.

As the masses counted down the final seconds of 2010, the pikeys had another plan:

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-FIGHT!!! PUSH!!! BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!

As a seething mass roared towards me, I suddenly found immense courage. Confident in my obese frame, I dug my heels into the ground and waited. Thank god, I managed to hang in there long enough for the crowds to squeeze past. It was somewhere between a bull run, cheese rolling and the opening of Primark on Oxford Street ...but everyone's pissed.

So what's the connection with the above expression? Well later we found some space to breathe near the mosque. We exchanged anecdotes of how lucky we were to survive and watched in horror as a drunk youth staggered over to one of the pillars of the mosque, opening his fly as he went.

Before the first drip had hit the floor, there was a shout from a local. "Heyyyyyyyy!!!! What the fuck are you doing? A mosque isn't a place to piss!!". As all my courage had been used up, we edged away from the scene and, from a safe distance, watched the furious local pointing aggressively backwards and forwards between the minaret and the drunk's penis.

So, when you've got nothing to lose, piss up a mosque. If a severe kick in seems like a walk in the park, piss up a mosque.

Fezaurus #9

Ben diyorum hadımım sen diyorsun çoluk çocuk nasıl - I tell you I'm a Eunuch, you ask me how the wife and kids are.

A lovely little expression to use when asked a stupid question.

Michael: I'm flat broke.

Janet: Oh, sorry to hear that ...can you lend me a fiver?

Fezaurus #8

Ayranı yok içmeye, tahtırevanla gider sıçmaya - There's no yoghurt to drink but I'm carried to the shitter on a sedan chair.

I guess the English would simply say "living beyond your means".

Fezaurus #7

İmam osuruyor, cemaat sıçıyor - the priest farts, the congregation shits.

Comparable to the English "give them an inch and they'll take a yard", this beautifully imaginative phrase is used in situations where the lower echelons of society take the piss (or, in this case, a shit).

Fezsaurus #6

At yarağına kelebek konmuş - A butterfly that's landed on a horse's cock

I was in the barber's the other day. Since I told him I'm writing this blog, he's always got a new pearl of wisdom for me whenever I pay him a visit. As I was enjoying my massage by a 9 year old boy called Ahmet (a sentence that would have me wearing an electronic tagging device before you could say 'name and shame' back in Blighty), Ozkan (the owner) shouted excitedly "have you heard this one? have you heard this one?". He then launched the above phrase.

I was a little embarrassed to ask the meaning of this particular gem as the shop was full of children and not wanting to corrupt their innocent minds, I simply shrugged my shoulders. He left the half-shaved face of his customer and brushed Ahmet aside.

"Look at this air conditioner" he said pointing at the wall "see how I've jammed newspaper in it to stop it moving about?". I hadn't noticed, but he was right. "Now it's like a butterfly that's landed on a horse's cock".

"I understand", I lied.

"Can the horse fuck the butterfly?" he asked.

"Erm, not really"

"But the butterfly can fuck the horse!". With that he tapped me on the shoulder and with a knowing wink, he resumed his business.

So there you have it (or like me, you don't), anything that's been bodged is like a butterfly sitting on a horses cock. If anyone can help me out with understanding this one, please do.

Fezaurus #5

Sikemiyecegi esegin onune ot atmaz - He wouldn't throw hay in front of a donkey unless he was going to fuck it.

Have you noticed that the donkeys are getting a lot of action in these phrases? They get lucky here again with this little charmer.

You know that person who never calls unless they want something? And when they do something 'out of the goodness of their heart', you know there's something waiting around the corner? Well this is the expression to use.

Fezaurus #4

Essek sikmeninde bir usulu var - Even fucking a donkey has certain steps that have to be followed.

My uncle's wisdom continues with this chestnut. This phrase is used when someone is making a right pig's ear of something. They're perhaps taking shortcuts and not doing the job properly. The message here is that everything in life has a right and a wrong way of doing things.

So what are the steps for violating a donkey, I hear you ask? These were explained to me but I can't remember most. There was something about standing on a tortoise (because the hissing noise a tortoise makes is similar to the Turkish translation of 'whoa' or 'please don't move, donkey') and also tying a mirror between the donkey's ears so you can see the owner (or your wife) approaching.

Fezaurus #3

Ikiside ayni kaba siciyor - They're both shitting in the same cup.

As I was walking around the Marina this morning with my uncle, he used this expression. I thought it was quite magical. It also made me pause for a moment as I thought about that website that had recently been doing the rounds (I'm not going to post a link to it because it's hideous but let's just say it stars 2 girls and the above phrase is taken all too literally).

Simply put, this is 'singing from the same Hymn-sheet' a-la-Turka.

...then, of course, my uncle was curious about the website so we went back and looked at it together. FYI he felt they switched the contents of the cup with ice-cream. It still doesn't make it right as far as I'm concerned.

Fezaurus #2

Esegi amina su kacirdin - You let water leak into the donkey's fanny.

I'm not so clear on the origins of this particular phrase. Some say, matter of factly, that when villagers fuck a donkey, they stand it in the river so it wont run away. Makes sense.

Whatever the roots, I doubt you'll guess the meaning.

I once bought 500g of freshly ground Turkish coffee from Izmir. Seeing the packet on my kitchen table, my cousin insisted that I'd let water leak into the donkey's fanny. Having never been accused of this before I was, needless to say, somewhat confused.

It means 'to go over the top' or 'do something extreme'. He was trying to tell me that I'd bought too much coffee, but there are easier ways.

"What's the connection?" I asked.
"Well, putting water in a donkey's fanny is an extreme thing to do" he replied. I couldn't argue.

Fezaurus #1

Kedi gotunu gormus, yara sanmis - A cat sees it's own arsehole and thinks it's an injury.

So you've lost your arm in a fishing accident? Your colleagues will probably throw you this sentence followed by derisory laughter. Meaning, "you big girl's blouse, that's but a scratch. Stop your bloody whining and finish gutting those seabass".