Nilüfer Hasırcı 1924-2010

Early on Monday morning, my father called with the news that my grandmother had passed away. Though she'd been bedridden for a few years now, somehow you can't prepare yourself for that call.

Her character was a rare cocktail. So kind and gentle, she was loved by all who knew her. Never one for idle gossip or bad-mouthing. Yet confront her and she had the tongue of a brick layer. This colourful language is how you've come to know her as 'rude nan'.But no matter how angry, her overwhelming positive attitude meant she was never far from bursting into contagious laughter.

As every grandparent gives a pet name to their grandchild, she would call me 'grandma's little lamb, peanut or Turkish delight" but I'd hear her say that to my brother too. There was, however, one pet name that was exclusively mine: "tasak yanak" or "bollock cheeks".

Though hard to imagine when I remember her lying so frail in her bed, this woman had seen hardship that required the strength of a lion to overcome. The wife of a senior minister in the ruling party during one of Turkey's most turbulent political eras, she had experienced wealth and privileges. To a coup that saw the Prime Minister executed and my grandfather imprisoned, she was left with nothing but 4 children to raise single-handed.



How will I remember her? I'll remember her cooking through the day to host vast family dinners on the balcony. I'll remember her laugh. I'll remember watching her from the back window of the taxi as she poured water from the balcony to wish us a safe journey back to the UK. I'll remember her wanting to kiss my neck and calling it 'kaymak' and then laughing when I'd say 'buyurun'. I'll remember how she would shed a tear at the utterance of my granddad's name years after his death. But more than anything, I'll remember her positivity, sense of humour and enormous heart.



This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. It has to be perfect, but it's an impossible task.

She was the reason I came to Turkey. I wanted to get to know my remaining grandparent while I had the chance. I am happy to know that I did what I set out to do. I sat with her for hours on the balcony. We talked. We watched the ships. She knew I loved her. And I said my goodbye.

Babaannecigim, seni cok seviyorum. Ozlecem ben seni. Gelecem birazdan ama simdilik rahat uyu hayatim.

Rude Nan #5

Mum had come over from England for my birthday. We were all teary-eyed when nan remembered her name and welcomed her back after so long. Suzanna took the opportunity to wind up the poor old bed-ridden soul (nan, not mum).

Suzanna: Come on! We have a special visitor. Aren't you going to get up and make her something to eat?
Nan: *silence*
Suzanna: You're so lazy. You just lie in bed all day. Get up and make your visitor something. She's come all the way from England.
Nan: *silence and glaring at Suzanna*
Suzanna: Lazy!!!
Nan: Listen. Why don't you just fuck off out of this house, you prostitute. (Aimed at Suzanna, not mum).

Mum's grasp of Turkish wasn't enough to understand why I'd collapsed spitting tea.

Rude Nan #4

I popped in to see nan the other day. She's not doing so well these days and it seems to be taking all her energy to ask me how I am. She does, however, still have the power to make me fall about laughing.

When I arrived Suzanna was giving her some snacks and brain exercise. As nan can't sit up, she can't really see what Suzanna is feeding her so it seems a perfect opportunity to test her palette and memory.

Suzanna eased a small piece of fruit into nan's mouth and asked "what's that mum?" (Suzanna affectionately calls her 'mum'). There was a pause while nan chewed and pondered.

"Apple" came the whispered reply.

Another piece of fruit is fed to nan. "What's that mum?"

A longer pause followed then an even quieter "orange".

Suzanna then shakes it up a little by putting a biscuit in nan's mouth. "What's that then mum?" asked Suzanna with a cheeky grin.

Silence.

"Come on mum, what's that?"

What nan actually said next is open to question. I saw her lips move and then Suzanna's face turn a worrying shade of red. "MUM!!!! SHHHHHHH!!!!! You can't say that! We have guests".

So what was it nan said that dropped Suzanna to the floor? The possible options are:

a) Cunt
b) Your mother's cunt
c) Your midwife's cunt

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Rude Nan #3

I arrived back here in Turkey on the 5th of March. After a good nights sleep I headed down to see how nan was doing.

I walked into her flat and she was lying in a hospital bed that they'd brought in for her. She looked so helpless and old.

"Look who's come back" said Suzanna, the Turkmenistan carer. "Who's this?"

There was silence as nan clearly had no idea who I was. My heart sank.

"Nan, it's me Billy." She kissed me. "Swear nan, can you swear?"

"Fuck your mouth" she muttered. I was overjoyed.

She's still with us.

Rude Nan #2

I'm heading back to the UK tomorrow morning and I went to see my nan to say goodbye. The conversation went as follows:

Me : Nan, I'm going back to the UK tomorrow. I'll see mum, then I'll go and see dad.
Nan : Ata? (the name of my uncle)
Suzanna (remember? Her Turkmen carer) : Come on, that's not his father. Who's his father? Come on! Who's his father?
Nan : Your mother's cunt

I kissed her hand and headed home.

Rude nan

I have to share something that made my laugh the other morning. My nan is 82 years old and lives in the next apartment. I go and visit her regularly though her memory loss means she doesn't believe that and chastises me for never visiting.

She has a live-in carer as she can no longer walk. A middle-aged woman from Turkmenistan called Suzanna with Turkish similar to mine but with a Russian accent.

A few days ago Suzanna's son came to visit her after almost 2 years of being apart. She asked him to bring a number of things from home that she's missed over the years.

To welcome him, I was invited to breakfast. After we had eaten, Suzanna grabs a can of something I can only compare to a thick, sweet condensed milk. She dips a spoon into the Turkmenistan gloop and proudly offer it to my nan to taste.

"We call this ........ Can I find this here?" Suzanna asks nan.

"Of course, we have everything in Turkey". A classic response from an aged Turk.

"Where can I find it?" Suzanna continued.

"In your mother's cunt" came the understated reply from the frail octogenarian. I dropped an olive.