Random Turkish Fact #4

Turks consider it rude to blow your nose in company. They will take themselves off to a secluded spot to clear their trunks. A good old British raspberry into a hankerchief at the dinner table is met with glares of disdain. Be warned.

Things I'd never done before moving to Turkey #1

Hitting a woman with my car ...and blaming her

Whilst driving through a busy market (a first in itself), I clipped a woman with my wing-mirror. The strange thing was my initial response. I (and everyone else in the car) immediately blamed her for not moving out the way. It was only until a few streets later when I felt pangs of guilt.

People, never forget, in complete contrast to the UK, here in Turkey the car is king and pedestrians have to give way.

Random Turkish Fact #3

Turks keep a stool in the bath (no, I don't mean anything sinister). Apparently it's so they can sit down while they shower. Majestic laziness.

Turk ...ish Facebook Group

In a Dave Gorman-esque attempt to find people with a similar background, I've opened a Facebook Group solely for people from mixed Turkish descent.

So far there's only one member ...me. Can I really be the only half-breed out there? It only takes one stroll down Bar Street to indicate that this can't be true.

So if you know anyone who's half-Turkish, half-something else, please point them in the direction of the group.

I'm waiting...

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=92474594902

Random Turkish Fact #2

When the cashier isn't looking, Turks steal plastic bags from supermarkets to use as bin bags at home. Another ploy (and the one I use) is to put every item in a separate bag. Thus ensuring you leave the supermarket stupid with carriers.

Barberian

Since relocating to Izmir, I've had to source a new barber. My current find is a 17 year old called Ahmet who's been working in the same place since he was 11.

Today was only the second time I've been to see him.

After giving me a mullet and waxing my nose, he slapped me on the back and said "the missus will love it!"

Well worth £5, I reckon.

Nuts!

Something you have to know about the way Turks consume alcohol is that, similar to the Spanish, it's rarely done without some kind of food. Even a local bar will usually provide a snack next to your beer. Drinking without eating is seen as uncouth. The most common accompaniments to a drinking session are salted popcorn or cerez.

Popcorn we all know and love. It has a heroin-like addictive quality, costs nothing and the salt ensures you're perpetually thirsty. All perfect ingredients for a landlord to guarantee you'll keep quaffing booze.

The alternative to popcorn is cerez (pronounced cherez). This is simply a general term for nuts of any kind. Though more expensive than popcorn, nuts are equally addictive and thirst provoking. Yet nuts are somehow classier. More importantly, nuts are entertainment. I'll explain...

Put a bowl of mixed nuts in the middle of several groups of drinkers and I bet the order of consumption will be identical. I will now go through the order and identify each nut:

1. The pistachio
King of the mixed nut bowl. Tasty, expensive and nail-breakingly entertaining. Put two bowls on a table. One filled with shelled and one with unshelled pistachios. I promise everyone will want to pull them apart themselves. Why? Because the process of breaking them open is fun! OK sometimes part of the shell gets under your nail and spears salt into your flesh but that's the gamble. Pre-shelled don't taste as good - fact! Pre-shelled don't seem as fresh - fact!

There's no doubt the pistachios are first to be picked out of the bowl of mixed nuts because, ultimately, everyone knows they're the most expensive.

2. The peanut
Usually extremely salty and still wrapped in their paper-thin, brown jackets, the peanuts are a welcome alternative to the rich, complicated pistachio. You can flick these directly into your mouth without taking your eyes off the belly dancer.

Most Turks will, however, roll them between their fingers over an ashtray to remove the salty casing but this is really just a token gesture to a healthier lifestyle.

I did once go to a nightclub where tables were given monkey nuts. My god, you should have seen the excitement. Half an hour into the night, the floor was covered in shells and the bowls empty. Something so simple yet memorable. We must have washed down a couple of kilos on our table of four alone.

3. The cashew
Rarely found in your average bar. These are supremely expensive. Shelled by far eastern toddlers and flown over individually, they cost a premium and so seldom seen. This is the truffle of the bar snack.

4. The Almond
Turks so want to peel these but can't so they take them home and soak them in water. Personally I just shovel them in. But the problem with almonds is they can get a little sickly. You've got to pace yourself. If you're ever on a Turkish drinking binge and you begin to feel queasy, it's the almonds. Honest.

5. Roasted sweetcorn
Yep, you've never heard of them and actually they're relatively new to Turkey. These are corn kernels roasted with spices. Morish, crispy and delicious. However, because of their distinctive taste and crunch, those unaware of their presence in a bowl of cerez can often looked a little startled.

6. The hazelnut
Turkish hazelnuts are enormous. I remember Christmases at home with a bowl of hazelnuts and a nutcracker. All that hard, dangerous work and the reward was a tiny, chewy, pea-like nut. In Turkey, you need a sledgehammer and a welding mask. One of these bad boys could feed a family for a week.

I can't remember if I told you the story of the Black Sea sailors who were moored in Kusadasi harbour last winter to dig an underwater trench. My nan took pity on them and started sending me down to their ship with tea and soup. After a few days bags of hazelnuts began to appear tied to my nan's front door. The reason was, the Black Sea coast is famous of hazelnuts and, by all accounts, the sailors cabins were stupid with them.

7. The sunflower seed
OK this isn't exactly found in the bowl of mixed cerez. Sunflower seeds are usually something served at home while watching 'Deal or no Deal'.

I have fond memories of years watching Newsnight with my parents. My dad cracking away at a bowl of sunflower seeds and my mum perpetually complaining about the 'monkey-like' noise. Happy days.

8. The pumpkin seed
OK now we're back on track with the mixed cerez. These are a classic inclusion. Much like the pistachio, these provide Kinder Surprise style entertainment for the alcoholic.

To open, the pumpkin seed is place sideways (sharp end first) between the front teeth. Clamping down forces the seed to start opening. Then while the seed is partially open, a special tongue (similar to a budgie's and one only found in Turks) darts into the shell and scoops out the seed. I am successful in 1 in 76 attempts. Usually I get frustrated and eat the whole sodding thing, shell and all.

9. The white chickpea
Surprisingly hard. After each one there's always the question "what broke there? The nut or my tooth?". It's your average chickpea in a suit of armour. Be aware that, when eating these, your lips will turn white with powder. This is important if you're in a venue with UV lighting.

10. The brown chickpea
Famously, the cerez choice of Ataturk. Most Turks, however, tend to leave this particular nut until last. Easy to eat but tastes like grouting. If eaten in quantities exceeding 4, the mouth can become dangerously arid leading to a need for immediate lubrication.

Did you ever imagine there was so much hidden in the bowl of mixed nuts sitting in the middle of your bar table? Forrest Gump once said that 'life is like a box of chocolates'. Well my cousin offered me a Turkish translation as I drifted into my early thirties a single man. "Billy", she said "girls are like a bowl of cerez. First the pistachios are taken. Then the peanuts, hazelnuts and almonds. As you hit your late twenties, the remaining pumpkin seeds begin to dwindle until all you're left with is a bowl of brown chickpeas. But if you look carefully you'll find a few pistachios that no one has been able to prise open". There's hope for us yet.

So there you have it, the tradition of cerez. You should now be armed with enough information to look like a native as you plough into your 18 pints of Efes Pilsner in your Nottingham Forest football shirt before climbing onto the bar for a swift Macarena.

Personally I can't eat them. They give me awful gas.

Chav Tees

Never have I seen a more appropriately labelled clothes rack than this one in a store in Soke.

Show your face on Facebook

Don't forget the Arse About Fez Facebook group! It's open to everyone.

I kiss you!

Moments of Turkish Genius #1

Glow-in-the-dark light switches

These have been around for as long as I can remember in Turkey. A fluorescent light switch! So simple. Pure genius.

A shoe shop with attitude

Don't even try taking anything back to this shop I saw in Izmir...

Sezen Aksu - The Queen of Turkish Pop

Music has an important role in Turkish culture and Turkish pop spans generations. The latest hits are known and sung by young and old. Far more so than in British culture. Ask your auntie to sing you the current number one in the UK and she'll probably look at you as though you've suggested she show you some breakdance moves.

Perhaps it's because Turkish popular music stays closer to its roots than most Euro-pop. The subjects are fairly predictable. "Smack your bitch up" just wouldn't make it here. Love and heart break are the only thing people are singing about in Turkey ...with perhaps a smattering classics about famous towns and cities: "This morning it rained in Istanbul", "Bodrum, Bodrum" etc.

By far the biggest star in Turkish popular music is Sezen Aksu. A woman now in her mid-fifties. Her music career started the year I was born (1975).



Divorced 4 times, she has the right to sing about love and heart break more than most and she does it with an emotion you can feel without completely understanding the lyrics. Below is a medley of her most famous early work: "Don't Cry", "Go", "Come Back" (make your mind up, woman).



Fatma Sezen Yıldırım was born in Denizli in 1954 then moved to Izmir when she was 3 years old. She attended the school just down the road from my house before finally moving to Istanbul to persue her music career.

Izmir folk are proud to call her their own and everyone claims to have lived next door to her at one point or another. "We were so close, we could hear her and her father screaming at each other" my friend said proudly.

Like most successful artists, she's had a troubled life. Not quite Edith Piaf troubled but probably somewhere on the scale between Billie Holiday and James Blunt.



Sezen is an unusually attractive woman. I've always had a soft spot for her since I saw the cover for the album 'Gulumse' back in the early nineties (the title track contains one of my favourite lyrics "I'm so lonely, I don't even have a cat"). With her striking red hair, Suzanne Vega bob and a near monobrow, she's an unlikely sex-symbol.



But you know that despite the harsh exterior, there's a sensitive artist just below the surface. Broken and emotional, she brings out the nurturing instinct in most men. Her petite frame earned her the nickname "little sparrow". But the nickname is somewhat misleading when you hear her deep, powerful voice. Like Dame Shirley Bassey on gin, Sezen can belt out songs that make your heart bleed.

Sezen's influence goes beyond Turkey and Turkish Pop. She was behind the pen of Tarkan's classics "Şımarık" and "Şıkıdım", songs that found airtime across the world. Her songs have been covered more times than "My Way". Here's a cover of one of her classics "Herseyi Yak" ("Burn Everything") by the Turkish rock band "Duman".

"Burn me, burn yourself, burn everything,
A single spark is enough. Look, I'm ready.
Kiss me if you want or kill me.
Being prepared to die for love is true love.

I drew you inside myself with one breath
My heart imprisoned, my chest caged.
We're both ready to burn.
A single spark is enough. Look, I'm ready.
Being prepared to die for love is true love.

My God, my God.
I'm walking towards the fire.
My God, with love and pain
I grow.

Exhaust me with your yearning, exhaust me with your love.
Being without love is more painful than separation.
Hurt me as much as you please.
Being with you or without you. Neither are enough for me."

Herseyi Yak - Sezen Aksu

Possibly her most famous track is "Hadi Bakalim" ("Come On") which made her sore to the throne as the Queen of Turkish Pop. Inevitably, it's just been re-discovered, digested and crapped out as a steaming pile of Euro-pap. Here's the original:



Despite understanding very few of her lyrics, I adore Sezen's work. I would love to put up every single one of my favourite tracks but I'll probably bring down the Blogger server. So I'm going to leave you with a couple of her hits that I hold dear.

Firstly, "Rakkas" ("Pendulum"). Inviting you to sway your hips and dance like a pikey. Enjoy:



Finally a track from my favourite album "Adi Bende Sakli". This song is called "Tutuklu" ("Arrested"):



Sezen Aksu is a Turkish Madonna in almost every way. From her string of husbands to her ever changing style to her monobrow. She will continue to be a star even after the cosmetic surgeons have thrown in their scalpels. Her songs will be picked up, covered, remixed and rehashed for many years to come.

Now go, go. Run to YouTube and listen to as much as you can.

Out with the 'New'

As of the 1st January 2009, Turkey introduced a new currency. Before January 2005, the official money of Turkey was the Turkish Lira (TL). The inflation was so bonkers it became embarrassing, the lowest denomination being the 100,000 TL note.





Bread cost a few thousand and cigarettes cost a couple of million a pack. It was very confusing, especially when discussing something costing millions or billions of Sterling. Turkey had words for numbers I'd never heard of.

Then they decided to take action and knock 6 zeros off the currency. Suddenly the nation went from talking in millions of Turkish Lira, to single units of the New Turkish Lira (YTL). Of course, it didn't completely work. People still talk in millions. This gets very confusing when you're actually trying to talk in millions of YTL and people are thinking old money.

This is something I saw in France with the introduction of the Euro. The nation takes time to adjust to the new currency and continues to make the conversion in their heads.

Well, it's deemed that enough time has passed and the Turkish currency is no longer new. So, as of this January, a new banknote has been introduced and, with it, the new name... No more New Turkish Lira, it's plain old Turkish Lira again.





How is this going to affect people's lives? Minimally. See ya!

*UPDATE*
Apparently the new 50 Lira note is causing some controversy and is being boycotted by Kemalists (supporters of Ataturk). The reverse of the note displays the picture of Fatma Aliye, a writer at the time of Ataturk. She was against revolution and her writings are published in a magazine backed by the ruling AKP Party.



Kemalists are refusing to accept this note and will ask for any other denominations wherever they're offered it.

Turkish Truths #2

Residual washing up liquid gives you cancer.

Fitty Cent

Turkey's version of 'Deal or No Deal' is massive. Possibly the most watched show on TV at the moment.

Recently, they've taken to bringing on international celebrity contestants. A couple of weeks ago Christina Aqualung was the star (can you imagine this on the UK version? Noel would be happier than a cat with a chocolate flavoured nipsy). Then last week, it was... wait for it ...50 Cent. Bonkers.

Well, given all the hype, the kids were bound to be excited. I walked into my first lesson of the day and a 9 year old student asked "Mr.Hasirci, have you heard of 50 Cent?". Wanting to keep hip with the kids I replied "who? Me? Yeah, of course I have!", followed by a 2 second misguided bout of body popping.

The kid looked at me bemused and, completely seriously, replied... "no, not 'spastic'. I said '50 Cent'". He'll go far.

Money to burn

I'm now in the middle of my 2nd winter here in Turkey (last year I was back in the UK for 6 months and missed the whole thing). For a country that fears the cold, Turkey seems pretty poorly equipped to warm itself efficiently.

Having been born and raised in the UK (a country with weather more temperamental than a menstruating polar bear), I don't remember there ever being too much of a problem in keeping my house warm. The classic British route is Gas Central Heating; a system so common its initials alone are enough in a estate agent's advert - GCH.

My first Turkish winter took me by complete surprise. I never imagined Turkey could get so cold. But I was living in a 'summer house', meaning a house that was built for summer jollies not for winter residence. The walls are thin. The windows are single glazed. Things that are ideal in the heat of the summer but completely energy inefficient in the winter.

I tried an electric fire at first but in the words of Withnail, I may as well have "sat round a cigarette". The wiring in the flat was so ancient, the cables were heating up more than the fire itself.

Then I tried the old fashioned route of the coal burner. I'm sure I mentioned this before in the blog. Very useful but hard work and potentially lethal. Noxious fumes nearly took my life on at least one occasion as did hauling coal up from the garage. In a house with no insulation, the heat was fierce but soon disappeared.

Since moving to Izmir and into the teachers' residence, I've discovered a new system. I have big radiators on the walls with pipes leading back into a cupboard with a huge tumble drier type machine. From there the pipes continue out onto the balcony to a large diesel tank. Yes, a big square tank about the size of 4 large fridges, that you fill up with diesel. I was intrigued (and freezing) so I decided to give it a go.

How does it work? Well the other night I saw a petrol tanker outside in the road. You know the kind you see driving up the M6 with 'BP' written on the side. Well I shouted down and a man scurried up. The next thing I know I'm ordering 100 litres of diesel and watching it being pumped into an 'ashtray' sized hole in the top of the huge tank (I know it's ashtray sized because I've been using an ashtray to cover the hole - call me over cautious but people smoke on the balcony. 1 cigarette+100 litres of petrol=Boom!).

About £100 of diesel later, the system was ready to go. I pressed the button and... fuck all. 3 days later they fitted a new pump and I pressed the button again. Whoooooooffff! My god, did it ignite. It's smelly and noisy but it certainly pumped out sufficient heat. When I say smelly and noisy, imagine a Ford Transit idling under the stairs.

That was 10 days ago and it ran out of fuel yesterday. Nice. So, it's going to cost me about £400 per month to heat this fucking place? Why? Well because Turkey has the most expensive petrol prices in the world. That's why!



So, in igniting the diesel burner, I was effectively doing this...

Actually, this would have probably worked out cheaper! Why didn't I do the calculations first??

So, what are the options for keeping warm through a Turkish winter?

1. Coal burner. Already discussed. Cheap. Efficient. Dirty. Lethal.
2. Gas burner. Old school types your nan had. Saw one in the florist the other day. The guy said it was useful but the fumes are deadly.
3. GCH. Only available in certain parts of Izmir. Not here yet.
   
4. Diesel burner. See above.
5. Olive stone burner. No, I'm not making this up. You can get a burner that uses a fuel made from the stones of olives. Very cheap and effective but you need to give 3 rooms of your house over to storing olive pips. Tinker, tailor, soldier, fuck that.
   
6. ...and the one that everyone has been suggesting since the beginning to be honest... One of these babies:
   

This is called a UFO. Most people seem to be using them. So I'm off to Turkish B&Q tomorrow to get me one. No doubt it'll give me skin cancer but at least I'll be warm without having to sell my possessions.

Turkish Truths #1

Walking barefoot on cold ground makes you sterile.

Illegal Alien

It was nearly all over. I was nearly destined to spend the foreseeable future stuck on a Greek island with only the clothes on my back. So what happened?

Well, quite simply, my visa expired and I became an illegal immigrant. It was pointed out rather politely at the police station while I was applying for my residence visa. I was told "you should leave Turkey immediately". I left the next day for Sakiz (the closest Greek island to Izmir).

It wasn't entirely my fault. Through a series of bad communication, I had made assumptions about the state of my visa application that turned out to be completely false. I paid the price.

The price was 162YTL and the knowledge that had I left it just 5 more days, I wouldn't have been able to return to Turkey for a good few months. Here's a picture of me 'eating the fine' (as they say here).



Sakiz isn't that different than Samos. Better shopping perhaps. I was only there for 5 hours so I can't give a detailed description. It pissed down, I looked at Christmas decorations, I bought Ouzo and came back.

Thank Christ they let me back in. Another 3 months at least.

I Kiss You!

Today is the first day of Bayram. There are many Bayram holidays in the Muslim calendar but the most important two are Seker Bayrami ('sugar' or 'sweet' festival) and the one we are currently celebrating; the rather sinisterly named Kurban Bayrami ('victim' or 'sacrifice' festival).

For a vegetarian, this Bayram isn't much to celebrate. It's the time when families sacrifice a sheep in the name of religion. The idea is to do a good deed and share the meat with the poor.

Unfortunately it means I get to see sheep being carted around in trailers attached to the backs of cars, their destiny certain. They'll be tied with one leg loose and their throats will be cut by the head of the household. As with most religious festivals around the world, the true point has been a little lost and watered down over the years.

You may be surprised to learn that I actually completely support the original idea. I feel that people should come face to face with what they're going to eat. I think it's honest and noble to hunt (as long as you eat what you kill). It's far more honest, in my opinion, to take a knife to the throat of a sheep than to go simply go and buy your lamb chops from the supermarket.

My father asked if I wanted to go with him today to choose a sheep. I thought long and hard about it. Perhaps getting involved in the process would reconfirm my views and make me even more determined to avoid meat. Ultimately, I don't need that. I don't want to see that.

Anyway, he's gone now to a village to choose a sheep and do the honest thing. Well, kind of. Apparently these days, the head of the household gives his permission to the butcher to slaughter the sheep on his behalf. Erm, am I missing something? I fear it's turned into something of a farce.

Anyway, that's not why I broke my silence. I came here to write about a more pleasant aspect of Turkish culture... the kiss.

It's something I've been wanting to write about for a while but it came to mind because Bayrams mean a lot more kissing than usual.

Let's start with the basics. The greeting kiss.

The cold kiss

I'm finding it a little hard to write because I'm not completely sure of the rules myself. I'm going to explain it as I've experienced it and if anyone spots anything wrong, please let me know.

Complete strangers are greeted with a simple hello or a handshake. However, if the complete stranger is someone very close to the friend introducing you, one party may lean in for a kiss. A kiss in this sense is a simple kiss to each cheek. Lips and cheek rarely meet however and it's more of a touching of the cheeks. This is done whilst still shaking hands.

The scene of Borat kissing the entire male rowing team and then refusing to kiss the female cox isn't so far from the truth. As a man, it's more likely you're going to kiss another man than another woman. It would be deemed completely inappropriate for male and female strangers to kiss.

The tepid kiss

If you've met before, you'll probably kiss upon meeting again. Two kissing men will probably still be shaking hands but may now put their left hands on each others shoulders as a sign of proximity. Again, the sound of the kiss is rarely heard. The lips are actually redundant.

The warm kiss

Amongst close friends and family the kiss becomes more sincere. You may here the lips smack onto the cheek. People may even move to the next phase of the kiss and include a double hug.

In the warm kiss, hands may not be shaken. One party may outstretch a hand in anticipation but it's likely that it'll end in a hugging kiss

.

The political kiss

For supporters of the Turkish Nationalist Party, the greeting kiss has taken on a modern twist. Where western influence implies a certain infemininity to two men kissing, men lock hands by grabbing each others wrists and instead of kissing at the cheeks, they may opt to softly yet firmly butt heads at the temple. Think of it similar to two very close rams meeting after a long absence.

The respectful kiss

This is very common during Bayram hollidays. This kiss is performed by the younger participant on the elder.

The elder will offer a hand like an Elizabethan lady. The kisser will then take the hand, kiss it and then touch the hand with his/her forehead.

I seem to have achieved the age where I'm starting to receive this kiss. The first time was by two juvenile gravediggers at my aunt's funeral. But, since becoming a teacher, the children have started kissing my hand during religious festivals (albeit that they want cash or good marks in return).

This kiss has a few subcategories:

a) You think I'm how old? - A hand offered to shake may be misconstrued as being offered to kiss. Upon leaning down to kiss the hand, the elder may force the hand down to show that he/she wants no part of the ritual. This may be done because the person doesn't feel old enough to have their hand kiss or simply that they don't like this type of kiss. You either insist or accept. Roll the dice.

b) Gawd bless ya! - The majority fall into this category. The elder graciously accepts the kiss as a form of respect but will then invite you in for a cheek to cheek.

c) Kiss it bitch! - This is the respectful version of the cold kiss. The elder offers the hand to be kissed but then does not follow it up with a cheek. It means "kiss my hand and that's all you're worthy of". I don't like this one. This particular kiss can commonly be seen at weddings. Lots of old strangers and lots of young victims. The problem is, in crowded areas, this can become extremely tiresome as one must kiss all the hands in the room.

The biggest complaint I hear about the respectful kiss is that people don't want to kiss a strangers hand. So you often see a 'no lips' policy being adopted. This works by touching the hand with your chin instead of actually kissing it.

The receiver of the respectful kiss may return the gesture with a kiss on the forehead. This indicates they accept the respect and return it with affection.

The hot kiss

This kiss is reserved for lovers and prostitutes. When I was just 14, I had my first real kiss. She was a 19 year old model from Istanbul and I was a barely pubescent bundle of hormones and bad hair.

My brother was dating her best friend at the time and the four of us sat on the beach and watch the afternoon waves. We walked them back to their hotel and I had no idea what was about to happen.

We exchanged some 'tepids' amongst friends as a TTFN and then she went in for the 'hot'. My memory was being swept off my feet and being knocked for six by an almighty smacker. When I came to, the girls had already left. My brother laughed at me as I struggled to understand what had just happened. I was giggling mess. He took my hand and lead me like a chimp back to our summer house.

Perhaps it was the fact that I had just kissed a 19 year old model from Istanbul. Or perhaps it was partly due to the fact that Turks kiss incredibly aggressively. There was a chance I had suffered a mild concussion.

Europeans tend to kiss slowly and ever so gently begin to introduce a tongue that'll flicker like a candle flame almost unnoticeable. However, if you're lucky enough to kiss a Turk, your experience will be quite different. As soon as the tongue is involved it gets very scary indeed. It's forced directly into your mouth as far as it'll go. Faces twist. Teeth clatter. I've bled before.

The subtleties of the eurosnog are lost in the translation. One girlfriend claimed (6 months into our relationship) that I'd never kissed her. I had of course, she'd just never felt it.

I'm not sure which I prefer. I guess it's a matter of context. Euro style is perfect for a candle lit dinner and retiring to the sofa. The Turkish 'oral rape' style is more appropriate in a 'get your drawers off and brace yourself' moment of passion.

Please also note that all of these kisses can be given over the phone, text message, email, letters and MSN Messenger. The famous Mahir, who put Turkish internet offerings on the map has the catchphrase 'I kiss you'. This is a common sign off for telephone conversations. There are variations. I just sent a text wishing someone a Happy Bayram and they replied "you too, I kiss your eyes".

Turkey's answer to George Michael, Tarkan, had a smash hit with this catchy little number...

...but you may be more familiar with this Australian knock-off...

I'm sure I'll think of other kisses I've missed and update this post but, for the time being, I have to go and see whether the butcher has finished my dad's dirty work. I wish you all a very happy Bayram and, needless to say, I kiss your eyes.

The long palm of the law

One thing I've never really encountered here in Turkey is the recreational use of drugs (as long as you don't count coffee, fags, booze and over-the-counter medicine which are all abused to the extreme). My only experience of drugs here in Turkey was a dicey drive in a taxi cab to the fields out the back of Ladies Beach to score some weed off two complete strangers. I was accompanying some English friends who fancied a smoke (I was only 14 and didn't really know what was happening). We all survived and my friends paid over the odds for a bag of something with all the state changing properties of curly kale.

I was chatting to a Turkish girl about this the other day who found it shocking that I'd never come across more drug abuse here in Turkey. "It's everywhere" she said. "Most of my friends take something or other". Interesting. So why is everyone hiding it from me? "I'm always carrying Viagra" she stated matter of factly.

OK, I'm no doctor but I was a little confused as to what Viagra could possibly do for a woman. We then got to the truth of the matter and the real reason that some girls carry blueys...

It turns out that Turkish girls carry Viagra to bribe traffic police if they get caught over the alcohol limit. Everyone's happy. She goes on her way a couple of pills lighter and the copper gets a stonker for 4 hours.

I tell you what, rooting around in this culture throws up more priceless goodies than the lucky dip at Ivanka Trump's 18th birthday party.