A Turkish brand that would probably do rather well in the UK

However, those hoping for a Turkish take on Hooters will be disappointed to be served by our friend here in the tank-top.

Children are still saying the funniest things ...though I'm getting bored of marking exams now

More joy from the exam pages:

Q: Who are you going to go shopping with?
A: I'm going with Chuck Norris LOL! (LOL=HAHA)

Thank God he translated LOL for me. This student keeps asking whether he can write his compositions in 'Textese' eg LOL, B4, UR etc. I say no.

Q: What's wrong with you?
A: My parents.

How do I mark that? He's either completely misunderstood or it's a very shrewd Larkin reference.

Q: What's wrong with you?
A: Some people polluted the sea.

Right you are. Hope you feel better soon.

Children say the funniest things

I've just been marking the 6th grade exams. One section was an open dialogue giving the students a chance to write anything sensible in response to a question. Here's a response that made me put down my marking pen and say a few words of thanks to God. Please remember, this is a 10 year old Turkish student.

Question 1
Q: Where are you going this weekend?
A: I'm going to the supermarket.

Nice answer.

Question 2
Q: What's wrong with you?
A: I have a problem with my bowel.

Sorry, what? If I could give her more than 100%, I would. That answer alone should automatically grant her a Cambridge scholarship.

Random Turkish Fact #13

Nobody knows how old they are.

If you ask someone their age in Turkey, you'll rarely get an answer that doesn't require further explanation. The question "how old are you?" will provoke one or all of the following responses:

1. "I was born in 1960" - leaving you to do the maths.
2. "I've finished 40 and entering 41" - ...so how old are you?
3. "I was born on 5 November but registered on the 5 December" - Sorry, what?

Because of this confusion, Turks speak in birth years - "he's a '73 boy". Though, this still wont indicate the exact age as it doesn't indicate birth month.

I was just sitting at lunch with children who were born in 2000 (yes, I gagged a little too) and they were trying to work out how old they were. 2010 minus 2000 and still sitting there counting on my fingers.

FYI Turkish friends, in the UK we talk about age in terms of completed years. eg a child is considered 1 after it completes its first year on Earth; it's not born aged 1. I, for example, am coming to the end of my 35th year. But, I still say I'm 34 because that's the number of years I've lived. Mind you, can I say I've really lived all those years? Regrets? I think that's for life to decide in time. But I've always smiled from the heart and that's what really counts. I remember my first teacher back in Tolworth Infants................

Wind in the Willies

I'm teaching Wind in the Willows to the 4th grade at the moment. I have to give the same lesson to each class and it can get a little tiresome listening to the same audio over and over again.

I had to do a double take when this came along though. Certainly brightened my day. What on earth does Rat think he's doing?

It's all Greek to me #1 - The Alphabet

One of the greatest things about the Turkish language (despite being able to insult a person's entire heritage in only a few syllables), is the fact it's completely phonetic. So, once you've learned the separate sounds of the alphabet, (theoretically) you can read and write without any problem (though you may not know what you're reading or writing).

To get you started, here's the Turkish alphabet in full:



So once you've learned that, you can begin to funk it up a little:



You'll notice some of the letters are missing from the English alphabet. But don't worry, Turks make up for them with clever combinations of other letters. For example, why have an 'x' when you can put 'ks' together. So 'taxi' becomes 'taksi'. Makes sense no?

And vice versa, they simplify some of our 'clever' combinations and create a whole new letter. So 'sh' becomes 'ş' and 'ch' becomes 'ç'. Brilliant.

The Turkish alphabet also loses some of the Anglo-Alphabet stupidity. The 'ph' absurdity is, quite rightly, simplified to an 'f' - so 'photograph' becomes the far more sensible 'fotoğraf' (though they daft it up again by using the soft 'g').

This carefully crafted alphabet is still very young. The 29 Latin characters replaced the old Ottoman script on 1 November 1928. In one day, Ataturk implemented his reform on the language of a nation. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Change is never easy. Ever seen the confused, desperate look on peoples' faces when they move the eggs to a different aisle in the supermarket? Now imagine trying to get the nation write Chinese.

Like the French, The Turks have a government body dedicated to protecting the language. Though not quite as fiercely as the French, who do love to change incoming words to make them their own (do you know the French word for 'walky-talky'? It's 'talky-walky'. Genius).

So what happens to a fast food chain like Wimpy when it comes to Turkey?



You see there are some sounds that the Turks just can't pronounce.

'Th' for example, is hardened to a 'd' or 't'.

'V' and 'w's are, pretty much, exchanged.

So you get something like "I tink dis vedder is lowely".

Conversely, there are many Turkish sounds that Westerners can't handle. Basically any of their letters with two dots or a hat is going to cause us trouble. 'ö' and 'ü' are bad news. The 'ğ' is also going to need practice. This is the soft or 'yumuşak g' that the guys in the second song got so excited about. Basically, it's job is to lengthen the vowel before it.

Anyway, why am I harping on about all this when I still can't speak the lingo myself? Well it started when I was out driving the other day and I saw a sign. As I said before, Turkish is phonetic. It is also very new and has borrowed armfuls of vocabulary from other languages. This combination allows for some moments of genius that, to be honest, tickle me.

OK, time for a little quiz. I'm going to give you some Turkish words and you have to guess the English:



Yes, it's a, phonetically perfect, Music-hall.



Of course, it's the canteen.



Come on, the clue's in the picture. It's a ferry boat.



Did you know there was a Turkish Wikipedia?

And there you have it, the Turkish ABC. Not as bonkers as the Welsh:

Random Turkish Fact #12

Turkish kitchen roll has perforations at twice the interval of the British. Meaning you can tear off a 'half sheet'. Tight, shrewd or just mental, you decide.

Famous Turks #3

Mousse T.



Real name: Mustafa Gündoğdu
Date of birth: 2 October 1966
Famous for: "I'm horny, horny, horny, horny. So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny, horny."

Famous Turks #2

Father Christmas



Real name: Saint Nicholas of Myra
Aliases: Santa Claus
Date of Birth: Sometime in 270
Died: 6 December 346
Place of birth: Demre, Turkey
Famous for: Creeping into sleeping kids' bedrooms, pissed on sherry, and emptying his sack into their socks.

This trick is to keep your hands wet

Do you get the feeling this Turkish guy is getting a fair amount of satisfaction from teaching this foreign reporter how to use the potters' wheel?

If men think about sex every seven seconds, I would argue that it's only every seven seconds that Turkish men think about something else.

Famous Turks #1

Roland "You'll burst" Browning from Grange Hill



Real name: Erkan Mustafa
Date of birth: 14th May 1970
Famous for: Obese Grange Hill victim 1982-1987

Barberian II

I've just got back from my first trip to a barber without glasses (me without glasses, not the barber). I'd forgotten how scary it was to see a haircut halfway through. I used to just sit and watch the blurred colours and shapes until my glasses were given back for me to approve that which, by that point, I'd no other choice but to approve. This time, however, I could see the full progress. Internal conversations went from "that's a bit short" to "can you put the phone down and focus?" to "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!??!" to "Oh I see, that's clever".

I went back to Ahmet, my teenage barber with the face of an olive-skinned Spike Lee (go figure) and the voice of a chain smoking octogenarian. He wasn't his usual self today though. His coiffurial performance was somewhat lackluster. Conversationally, however, he was considerably cruder than normal.

The topic of the day was how he'd spent the previous weekend sodomising his girlfriend to near paraplegia. "She couldn't walk for a week" he boasted with a rasp. Congratulations. Why don't you break her arms as well? "You have to give them a healthy fuck otherwise they'll cheat. Do you ever fuck them so hard that you start hitting them?", can't say I have but it's nice to know I'm in safe hands as you wave that razor around my jugular.

I tried to fake sleep but he'd just lean in a whisper bad things in my ear. To be perfectly honest, I was happy when we reached the final geling (though he spent a couple of minutes describing how to use hair gel as a lubricant - complete with gesticulation).

I will be monitoring Ahmet's social decline carefully. It may be time to seek another barber.

Random Turkish Fact #11

The Turkish word for 'rat' is 'sıçan' which translates to 'the one that shits'.

Turkish Truths #3

Giving a young boy suppositories will make him 'turn gay'.

Turkish Superstitions #2

Scratching your nose whilst looking at someone means you'll have an argument with them in the future.

Simon Swears ...in Turkish!

You know I love all things sweary. Thank you to Nomad for tracking down this gem. I had great fun with it until I realised the school's head of HR could probably hear it from her office. Just click on the image to play!

Turkish Superstitions #1

A slipper landing upside down means a death in the family.

One man and his massive dog

I went to the Izmir Pet Show not long ago. It was surprisingly busy in the exhibition hall. The biggest difference I noticed between this and London shows were the blokes flogging puppies and kittens like market traders.



Besides that, by far the most popular attraction were the Kangals (you should read the Wiki entry for them. It's clearly written by a Turk. Genius). They're a Turkish version of a border collie, I guess. But somewhat bigger. They are Chuck Norris to the Border Collie Charlie's Angels. They fight bears for Christ's sake.

On doing some research, I found a rather strange similarity in the way people photograph their Kangals. It seems that, in order to successfully photograph this particular breed:

1. You need to be in a standing embrace with the dog and
2. One or both of you should be sporting an erection.















The Kangal. Ideal for protecting your young children ...apparently.

Random Turkish Fact #10

The Turks don't have a word for 'boy'. There is a word for 'girl' but Turkish males pass directly from 'babies' to 'men'.

Ask about Holes

I was writing a 'body parts' quiz for the kids at school and I thought I'd try a couple of questions out on my girlfriend's mum.

Me: "We have eight of these on our body. What are they?"

GFM: "Hmmmmm. Holes! Yes, holes... Two in the nose. Ears, three and four. Mouth, five. Hmmmm. Belly button, six..."

Me: "Fingers!! It's fingers".