Fezaurus #10

Eceli gelen köpek cami duvarına işermiş - The dying dog pisses on the wall of the mosque.

This takes me back to my New Year's Eve. We went to a lovely little village near Çeşme called Alaçatı. Every year, the town puts on a street party to welcome in the new year. This was my first visit and I'll give it a miss next year. It was absolutely heaving.

Unfortunately, in Turkey, when there's a congregation of people at an event that asks no entrance fee, it attracts an inordinate number of pikeys. Pikeys + crowd + alcohol = trouble.

As the masses counted down the final seconds of 2010, the pikeys had another plan:

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-FIGHT!!! PUSH!!! BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!

As a seething mass roared towards me, I suddenly found immense courage. Confident in my obese frame, I dug my heels into the ground and waited. Thank god, I managed to hang in there long enough for the crowds to squeeze past. It was somewhere between a bull run, cheese rolling and the opening of Primark on Oxford Street ...but everyone's pissed.

So what's the connection with the above expression? Well later we found some space to breathe near the mosque. We exchanged anecdotes of how lucky we were to survive and watched in horror as a drunk youth staggered over to one of the pillars of the mosque, opening his fly as he went.

Before the first drip had hit the floor, there was a shout from a local. "Heyyyyyyyy!!!! What the fuck are you doing? A mosque isn't a place to piss!!". As all my courage had been used up, we edged away from the scene and, from a safe distance, watched the furious local pointing aggressively backwards and forwards between the minaret and the drunk's penis.

So, when you've got nothing to lose, piss up a mosque. If a severe kick in seems like a walk in the park, piss up a mosque.

Turkish Sports - Football

Globally massive of course, Football is probably the most popular sport in Turkey. They're not half bad at it either. Reaching the semi-finals of the 2008 UEFA Cup, Turkey treated us to some spectacularly nail-biting matches. But, for some reason, they've not qualified for the World Cup since 2002, when they kicked ass all the way to 3rd place.

National football is really a three horse race. Though football supporters may have a local team, they will, almost always, also support one of three Istanbul teams:

1. Beşiktaş (BJK) - The cool colours of black and white and the eagle mascot. Not much to say about them really. They're good and they're reasonably quietly confident about it.

2. Galatasaray (GS) - My team by default (which is weird because I never watch football). A pretty rowdy bunch with a habit of throwing their seats onto the pitch when things are looking down.

Britons may remember Galatasaray after a 2000 UEFA Cup match in Istanbul when two Leeds fans were stabbed to death. The reason for the violence has been debated. Though official reports claim the British fans had insulted a van driver, my barber reckons they wiped their arses on some Turkish money.

Tip to visiting supporters: Turks frown on many of the fun things we take for granted. The great British passtime of mooning is seen as a rather serious insult. Should you wish to bare your backside, be prepared for rather severe shoeing. With that in mind, it'd also be best to rethink any plans to streak. Wiping your arse on any icons of Turkish national identity will envoke your travel insurance's post mortem repatriation clause.

3. Fenerbahçe (FB) - These guys are extremely vocal about their support. Though perhaps not as overtly aggressive as Galatasaray, they do chant a lot.

There's something I've observed over the years. If I were to create a list of people I would consider idiots, the vast majority are Fenerbahçe supporters. That's not to say all Fenerbahçe fans are cocks, but most cocks are Fenerbahçe fans.

The marketing behind these three teams is simply awesome. Perhaps things in the UK have changed since my departure but, here in Turkey, the 'Fenerium', 'GS Store' and 'Kartal Yuvası' shops litter high streets and shopping centres, selling everything from team kits to cuff links.

I'll leave this section with the inspiring speech by the National Team's Fatih Terim.

Fezaurus #9

Ben diyorum hadımım sen diyorsun çoluk çocuk nasıl - I tell you I'm a Eunuch, you ask me how the wife and kids are.

A lovely little expression to use when asked a stupid question.

Michael: I'm flat broke.

Janet: Oh, sorry to hear that ...can you lend me a fiver?

Turkish Sports - Backgammon

Known in Turkey as tavla, the rules of this board game are extremely simple yet take years to master. The aims are three-fold:

1. Get your pieces round the board and 'home' before your opponent does.
2. Moving a piece should be done with lightning speed and as loudly as possible ...and preferably while the other player is still finishing their move.
3. The winner is the one who can most comprehensively insult his opponent's ancestors.

Fezaurus #8

Ayranı yok içmeye, tahtırevanla gider sıçmaya - There's no yoghurt to drink but I'm carried to the shitter on a sedan chair.

I guess the English would simply say "living beyond your means".

Turkish Sports - Camel Wrestling

It's not what you think. Besides, I'm not sure a man would stand a chance against an angry camel. No, this is the winter pass-time of pitching two dromedaries against each other in a fight to the ...flee.

It's not as bad as it sounds. Camels are fairly passive creatures. This isn't like cock or dog fighting. This is the blood sport equivalent of two kids shoving each other in the playground until one runs crying to the teacher.

So how do you get a camel fired up and ready to rumble? You show it a lady camel, of course. Two males watch a female being paraded in front of them. They froth at the mouth and a fight ensues. A similar scene can be found in bars up and down the country.

The real attraction of a camel fight for the spectators is the copious consumption of alcohol. The nudging camels are nothing compared to the fighting in the stands. Men wearing the traditional flat caps and scarves binge on the fruits of an open grill whilst quaffing raki. The real excitement comes from drunken spectators scrambling to avoid the hooves of fleeing camels. Fun for the whole family (as long as your an adult male).

Songs About Turkey #5

And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda - Eric Bogle

I first heard this performed by The Pogues at the end of another manic album. A spectacular song written by Eric Bogle. It tells the story of an Australian soldier being shipped off to Gallipoli.

I wont go into the detail of the war; that deserves a much longer post. All I will say is that it's not something we learnt much about at school in the UK. We were told it was the greatest retreat in British military history and that was about all.

It is, however, a subject Turks like to remind me about and tell me their version of events. I think both sides agree that it was one of the biggest fuck-ups in British Military history. A war filled with bad luck, communication, timing, strategy, reasoning and execution.

I watched a documentary in Turkish with my cousin and uncle. Not understanding the commentary, I looked to my cousin to pause and translate from time-to-time. He often paused just to laugh at the comedic incompetence of the allied strategy.

One story I remember vividly... Anzac troops take two weeks to finally clear and mount a strategic point on a hill at the cost of hundreds of lives. Finally reaching the top, allied ships see them, think they're Turks and bomb them. It's something from the pen of Mel Brooks.

Anyway, here is the song sung by Mr.Bogle himself. Take a moment to think of the thousands who lost their lives and remember the quote of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk:

"Those heroes that shed their blood and lost their lives.
You are now lying in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore rest in peace.
There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us where they lie side by side here in this country of ours.
You the mothers who sent their sons from far away countries wipe away your tears. Your sons are now living in our bosom and are in peace.
Having lost their lives on this land they have become our sons as well"

Turkish Sports - Oil Wrestling

Leather chaps with metal studding and muscular men dripping in oil and sweat ...it could only be one thing. Somewhere between Smackdown and a rub-down, we find the ancient sport of Turkish Oil Wrestling. Though, at first glance, it may appear akin to a street brawl in Soho, this challenging feat of endurance takes strength and stamina.

Not being particularly au fait with the rules and regulations, I decided to do a little research.

Thanks to the work of Dr. Donald Stewart Miller, I found more than enough facts, puns, double meanings and homosexual references to write this article.

"The Kirkpinar (“Forty Springs”) in Edirne, Turkey is the annual world series of Yağlı Gűreş (greasy wrestling), the Turkish national sport." (I'm not sure I would class it as Turkey's national sport, but anyway...).

Wrestlers are divided into thirteen categories:

1. Chief wrestler
2. Under chief (sometimes literally)
3. Big medium (my shirt size)
4. Small big medium (sorry, what?)
5. Small medium small (OK, forget it)
6. Supporting big size (braggers)
7. Supporting medium size (most of us)
8. Supporting small size (it's what you do with it that counts)
9. Kickers of the dust (the wrestling equivalent of window lickers)
10. Encourager (they don't need any encouragement)
11. Small and sweet 2 (hardly a title for WWF)
12. Small and sweet 1
13. Best beginners

It is said that true wrestlers should have been rolling around in oil from the ages of seven to seventy. Today, ages usually range from twelve to forty ...though, that would seem a slightly unfair match should they ever be pitched against each other.

"Each fighter wears a kispet, sturdy leather trunks from the waist to below the knees." Worn to cover their nudity, according to Dr. Miller as "an act of male modesty commanded by Mohammed".

"He also wraps coarse cloths around his knees in order to block the opening of the cuffs against his opponent’s probing fingers. The writing in metal studs on his butt indicates his name or his sponsoring club, usually his home town."

The bout is won by pinning the opponent to the floor. Once decided, "often winner and loser will walk off the field together arm in arm". Sweet.

Not surprisingly, googling 'Turkish oil wrestling' produces a fairly healthy number of gay results. There are even tours organised to go to the rather conservative Kirkpinar for a weekend of group man on man action:

"Oil Wrestling Traditional Festival is a unique and 1500 years old festival. This is the festival where the strongest and helathiest men from all over Turkey come together and wrestle which form up a very "sensual" scenery. The world was ruled by Ottoman Empire from the event hometown city of Edirne for 100 years. You will discover this beautiful city and also the city of Istanbul in a very gay environment."

Good luck with that, chaps.

To prove that Turkish oil wrestling is far from gay, I've put together a short video:

Turkish Oil Wrestling - definitely not gay.

Arse About Fez gets a Christmas No.4!!!

I love the Turkish Travel Blog. It's official. In fact, I thought I couldn't love it more. And then I see they've got me listed in their Top Ten Turkish Blogs list. So now my love is bordering on creepy.

Thank you very much!

Songs About Turkey #4

Telephone call from Istanbul - Tom Waits

My all time favourite drunk crooner. Self-claimed to have a voice like "Ethel Merman and Louis Armstrong meeting in hell", this is a track from his 1987 album "Frank's Wild Years". I'm not really sure what it's about but I like it ...and it mentions Istanbul. Enjoy.

I'm still a child at heart...

Oh I do amuse myself while the kids are listening to the story. This nugget of gold is from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

10th November 1938

Today is an eerie day. Something happens every year on the 10th November at exactly 9:05am. Something that makes my skin tingle.

At this time, on this date in 1938, Ataturk died in Dolmabahce Palace in Istanbul. In remembrance of this sad moment for the nation, Turkey stands still. And I mean, completely still.

After a moment of silence, everything and anything that has a siren or a horn begins to sound. Cars, ships, schools, police cars, ambulances, all give an eerie drone.

After all these years, the passing of Ataturk is respected by the entire nation. It's quite an emotional moment, even for an outsider.

Here follows a short video of the funeral procession back in 1938.

His body was taken from Istanbul to Ankara, where he was laid to rest in the magnificent Anitkabir mausoleum.

If you would like to know more about Ataturk, I have another post here.

Songs About Turkey #3

Turkish Song of the Damned - The Pogues

From one of their greatest albums, this song has almost nothing to do with Turkey. Based heavily on Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner, the Turkish title was something of an accident. Apparently a Pogue heard someone talking about 'Turkish Song' of The Damned (though I've not been able to find any reference to The Damned having made any such track) and the name stuck.

The video here includes the late Joe "should I stay or should I go?" Strummer, the late Kirsty "not looking for a new England" MacColl and, the forever teetering on the edge of alco-meltdown, Shane MacGowan. Enjoy.

Twit about Fez

I'm trying my hand at Twitter these days (yes, I know I'm getting a trifle slow at adopting new technology in my old age).

Come find me and read a minute by minute account of my daily life. It's the social media equivalent of watching paint dry.

http://twitter.com/arseaboutfez

More Turkish things that make you go ooooohhhhhwaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!

Looking on my girlfriend's shelf the other day, I spotted something that made my testicles retract into my lower abdomen.

At first glance, it's a classic shelf - The Cambridge English/Turkish dictionary, a few batteries, a mug of loose change, a taser ...sorry? What?!

Yep, a taser. A weapon used for the purpose of inducing neuromuscular incapacitation and something the U.N. classifies as a weapon of torture.

Turkish girls... don't mess with them!

Things I'd never done before moving to Turkey #5

Getting stuck in a lift and forgetting to panic.

Being claustrophobic, I thought my first experience of getting stuck in a lift would be something of a screaming frenzy. I guess living in Turkey has toughened me up a bit.

Tonight, I got stuck in the metre square lift in my apartment building. The strange thing was my reaction of complete and utter calm; as though it were an everyday event.

No punching walls. No loss of bladder control. No crying. No tearing at my clothes. Just a very matter-of-fact tap of the buttons and a nudge to the door. It worked too.

Turkish things that make you go ooooohhhhhwaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!

Walking through Izmir the other day, my cousin pointed out this sign.



Roughly translated it reads: "this building could collapse at any moment. Do not get too close". Please also note the tables and chairs of the local cafe. Aaahhh nothing like a relaxing lunch.

Fezaurus #7

İmam osuruyor, cemaat sıçıyor - the priest farts, the congregation shits.

Comparable to the English "give them an inch and they'll take a yard", this beautifully imaginative phrase is used in situations where the lower echelons of society take the piss (or, in this case, a shit).

Songs About Turkey #2

Uska Dara - E.Kitt



Probably best known by the fur-promoting feline wannabe, Earth Kitt in 1953, this pseudo comedic ditty sings of the region of Üsküdar in Istanbul. Riddled with mistranslated, mispronounced and over-hockled Turkish, the song is, nevertheless, quite cute. Favourite line: "Ooooh those Turks!".

Uska Dara

Üsküdar'a gider iken aldi da bir yagmur
Üsküdar'a gider iken aldi da bir yagmur
Kâtibimin setresi uzun, etegi çamur
Kâtibimin setresi uzun, etegi çamur

Kâtip uykudan uyanmis, gözleri mahmur
Kâtip uykudan uyanmis, gözleri mahmur
Kâtip benim, ben kâtibin, ele karisir?
Kâtibime siter eter faltu ne güzel yarasir

Uska dara is a little town in Turkey
And in the old days
Many women had male secretaries
Oh, well, that's Turkey

Üsküdar'a gider iken bir mendil buldum
Üsküdar'a gider iken bir mendil buldum
Mendilimin içine lokum doldurdum
Mendilimin içine lokum doldurdum

They take a trip from Usku dara in the rain
And on the way they fall in love
He's wearing a stiff collar, in a full dress suit
She looks at him longingly through her veil
And casually feeds him candy, oh, those Turks

Kâtibimi arar iken yanimda buldum
Kâtibimi arar iken yanimda buldum
Kâtip benim, ben kâtibin, el ne karisir?
Kâtibime kolali da gömlek ne güzel yarasir

Kâtibimi arar iken yanimda buldum
Kâtibimi arar iken yanimda buldum
Kâtip benim, ben kâtibin, el ne karisir?
Kâtibime kolali da gömlek ne güzel yarasir
Kâtibime kolali da gömlek ne güzel yarasir

The song is based on the traditional Turkish song Katibim (below). Enjoy.

Arse in the Press

My random drivel about the great Turkish nation has been picked up by a couple of magazines.

Firstly, by the super Gezenti Magazine right here in Turkey and secondly by the spectacular Bluesky Traveling Magazine in Russia. Though I can't understand the translation of either articles, I just hope that the knob gags retained their banality.



Right, I'm off to add 'published writer' to my CV ...What?? It counts!!