Friday 2 July 2010

Seker Bayram

I've just had a visit from Bayram Bey - a man with a yellow canister strapped to his back. He smiles a lot and sweats even more and, for the price of a glass of coke, he fucked the nervous system of every creepy crawly in my apartment. He's my new best friend and I'm looking to add him on Facebook.

This dude knows his cockroach from a hole in the ground and gave me a brief insight into the life cycle and purpose of various things that scuttle in the night. Here's the scoop people!

1. Cockroaches like humid places with water that doesn't move much. Washing machine outlet pipes are popular, for example. Block such pipes with a plastic bag, it'll both stop the smell and close the door to cockroaches.

The cockroaches that are causing me bother are the "American Cockroach". They come, wander around the bathroom, realise they can't live there, die then startle me to the extreme of squealing like a pre-teen. Twats.

The kind that wait until I'm asleep before eating my biscuits are known as the "German Cockroach"...

2. The 'Kalorifer Bocegi' (literally 'central-heating bug') or 'German Cockroach' are smaller and, though not as prolapse-inducingly scary as the American variety, are apparently more to be worried about. Big black cockroaches can't live in your house and prefer to lie back and wait for the bright light. The Germans wait until you're asleep and lay their eggs (and their beach towels) on everything you own. They're quite happy in your kitchen so you need to go for their nervous system.

One problem with these buggers, is that when you kill them, they expel their eggs. 15 days later, the eggs hatch and that same poison wont effect them. A shoe, however, will.

3. I've always thought of cockroaches as useless creatures whose only function appeared to be to keep me regular. Bayram Bey, however, put me straight... "The sewage pipes in Izmir would get blocked were it not for rats and cockroaches scuttling through the shit and keeping it moving". Nice work guys! I have trouble believing that their sole purpose on this earth is to clear our pipes.

For the time being, however, my house appears to be cockroach free. Bayram Bey, I love you and your yellow canister of joy.


Nomad said...

Another dandy suggestion is to use that foaming insulation around the pipes under your sink to fill in all the cracks. They will not be able to come in from other apartments at least.
By the way, whilst working in a private course, (which shall remain nameless) a teacher friend of mine returned from the men's room with an expression of sheer bloodless terror. We asked him what was the problem and he said that he had just seen a rat emerging from the toilet. Taking this in, I got over my fear of cockroaches instantly.

Anonymous said...

I found quite by accident that Mr. Muscle Kireç Sökücü kills then stone dead!

Salty Miss Jill said...

I don't care what good cockroaches do, they are pure evil.
I hope they stay away from you!

Sam said...

It's not just the city's pipes they're keeping regular ;-) That's one way to keep things moving.

Good to know that the insect world takes on the stereotypes of their humanoid counterparts, although I notice you don't mention the British Cockroach.

Probably can't make it into the bathroom, too busy eating everything insight, getting too much sun, drinking too much and getting into fisticuffs with its follow beasties.